Sometimes I have so many thoughts in my head that it is captivating. The hundreds of anxious thoughts that are all battling each other within my mind for attention is kind of unbelievable.
Because of all of this, I figured it might help to write it all down. I think that some things are for a season. Lately and today I have found myself angry. I am honestly just mad. I am mad at some of the things that have happened in my life. I know that I am supposed to trust that God works through all things, and I do believe that He does, but I am mad that I have been so deeply affected by certain toxic situations in my life.
I am a theology student and this semester I have been learning a lot about the way that God allows us to speak to Him. First of all, the fact that we can even have a personal relationship with God at all is a gift. He is the same God whether or not we are worshipping Him, but the fact that He allows us to enter into His glory and get a taste of His character is something we will never deserve. That is a gift.
I am taking a class on the book of Jeremiah and I am learning a lot about how the people of Judah were constantly rejecting God and He continued to pursue them. This story is way more detailed than this, but for the point I am making, that is a main point in the story. Jeremiah, the prophet called by God to try to turn these people around, is having a really hard time with this calling that God has put on His heart.
It might sound really cool to be a prophet called by God, which it is, but it was also a lot on Jeremiah. It was challenging. At one point, Jeremiah even wishes that he were never born (Jer. 20:14-18). He explains the word of God as a “fire” inside of him (Jer. 20:9). He is going through some intense pain, but he continues to do so for the sake of the Lord, even though sometimes he may not have a choice.
Throughout all of Jeremiah’s pain, he expresses the pain in his heart to God (Jer. 12:1-4, 20:7-18). He says some things to God that we, the church today, may think of as “too far” or “too honest.” However, I believe that God already knows all of our troubles and thoughts. A guest speaker in one of my classes this semester explained this by saying:
Releasing our pain to God is like spiritual therapy.
This is so important. We must allow ourselves to be honest with our all-knowing God. We don’t have to put on a happy face for Him. He allows us to be upset and when we go to Him with that pain instead of running from Him, I believe His power is revealed. He loves us and wants what is best for us, and sometimes that journey will not be easy. However, He never forsakes us in that journey. He is always there.
Like I said, I have been really mad today. I have been frustrated that anxieties have come back up. However, I believe that God allows room for me to express those frustrations to Him. It’s not His fault that I have anxiety, so please don’t read this in that way. However, I believe He allows room for me to open up to Him about it. I believe He wants vulnerability and authenticity.
We don’t have to put on a happy face to talk to God. We just need to run to Him with whatever is going on in our lives even when it is messy. It is like spiritual therapy.
…act justly, love mercy, walk humbly…